Benefit of the Doubt or Doubtful?
Posted by on Jul 25, 2011

Black Woman ThinkingPlenty is said about the state of relationships these days. Women aren’t wives.  Men can’t be faithful.  Chivalry is dead. Lost somewhere in the mix is a class of women who love and appreciate the beauty of a man. Y’all don’t hear me though…

The beauty of a man.

It’s in a woman’s nature to love a man. We’re built for it. Our hearts, minds, and spirits, created it for it.  Nurturer’s by nature, we are the ultimate “Captain Save a Hoes.” Love leads us to want better for a man than he wants for himself.

Potential is paralyzing. We often get lost in the hopes of who a man could be vs. who he actually is. Women rarely admit defeat. So, conceding to the fact that we put our time, love and energy into someone undeserving is less desirable than a bad bikini wax. We will ride that man until the wheels fall off; figuratively of course.

I know I’m not alone on this one. I can’t be. I’ve loved so deeply that I made his dream my own. I carried his baggage to lessen his burden and I viewed his drawbacks as opportunities.  I honestly believed that if I loved him enough, he’d love himself enough to be who I knew he could be.

The question becomes, at what point does the benefit of the doubt become doubtful? At what point do you save yourself?

Some would say you have to love yourself enough to let go, I’d argue that you have to truly love yourself to love someone else to that extent. Maya Angelou states, “When someone shows you who they are…believe them.” Perhaps she’s on to something.

Vixens, what do you think? Is giving someone the benefit of the doubt actually beneficial or is it best to cut your losses and place your bets elsewhere?

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4 Comments »

  1. avatar

    Very Profound words.. I think that the heart and mind thing seems confusing but its definately black and white. When you have invested your heart mind and soul into someone who really “WANTS” to let go?? No one. But what’s in our best interest? Love doesn’t change people. People have to change for themselves.. So We can love someone till we’re blue in the face but if that person never loved themselves or doesn’t see in themselves what we see. in my opinion we are just spinning our wheels. Im not saying showing love or giving love doesn’t affect people.. but we have to decide at some point on what level will we give of ourselves when we are not recieving the same in return..It feels good to love.. it’s comfrotable its familiar… so we indulge in it.. but sometimes we have to apply a little intellect to the heart and weigh our options and decide if loving someone else is more important than lovng ourselves.

  2. avatar

    Just came out of this very situation girl, the heart is a stubborn little bitch. It wants what it wants until you die or until the mind takes control over matters. Raising a strong man is easier than fixing a broken one.

  3. avatar

    wow..this one really hits me. I am torn between holding on and letting him figure this out and letting go. But I would only be letting go because my family wants me to. Not because I want to. I guess for me…loving him and holding onto our 17 years together makes me less miserable than letting go would…there are many factors within my decision and it is very complicated. My husband has never liked, let alone..”loved” himself..EVER. I sacrificed so much for him and I would do it all again as long as it made him happy…I still see glimpses of the man I married..the real him. potential CAN be paralyzing…true…but hope can be paralyzing too. I guess each of us knows deep down when it is time to move on without the person. I honestly believe the mind plays tricks…but the heart won’t lie…mine never has anyway..great article.

  4. avatar

    I am so feeling this article. It really hits home for me. I am actually going through a lot of the same thoughts in my current relationship. He does have a lot of qualities that I love, but there are a couple issues that make me wonder if I should call it quits. It is so hard knowing what is the right move. Just as the closing of the article suggests…It is a gamble. You have to play big to win big right?

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