“I‘m not good enough to be on her arm,” one of my guy friends confessed over drinks not long ago.

He looked distraught, as if his entire world had just crashed around him and there was nothing that he could do about it. Dark circles from sleepless nights marred his usually bright eyes. And although his enthusiasm about life is always on ten, on this particular night it was barely a one. He looked downright pitiful and it was because he had just found out the woman he thought was falling for him was only using him for sex.

Although I understood his shock, I couldn’t, and still don’t, understand how he didn’t see the signs.

In the five months they were seeing each other they rarely hung out in public, she never introduced him to her family or friends, and aside from enjoying each other in the bedroom, they didn’t seem to have much in common.

From the beginning they were an odd pair. She comes from money and an elite life, while he works hard for everything he has. Though a persons background might not matter to some, it did to her. And after a week of ignoring his calls, she dropped a bomb; she was engaged. Despite getting it on with my friend for months, she had been dating another man for four years who was everything on paper, except what she needed in the bedroom.

“I think the hardest part of realizing that she had no feelings at all for me besides the sex is that she spent so much time pretending that she did,” he told us.

Eventually, the woman confessed to him that, despite her engagement, she would still like to continue to see him. While some men may have jumped at the chance to have no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it left my friend disturbed and with no other choice but to walk away.

I tried to find the words to comfort him, but nothing seemed to help. He was nothing but a boy toy to her and she never had any intention of being in a serious relationship with him. In her mind he wasn’t good enough to take to company events, to meet her parents, or even accompany her on a dinner date to a popular restaurant. The only thing he seemed to be good enough for was pleasing her, which was a sad reality that hit my dear friend like a sledgehammer.

The entire situation made me think about the cheating, and its various double standards. Typically, cheating is associated with men and even the language we use to describe it–jump off, a side-piece, mistress—all relate to men stepping out with other women. But very rarely do we talk about the women who cheat, digging their heels so deep in a man’s heart that he has a hard time ever trusting another woman again.

Many times we jump on men for their wrongdoings without ever considering where their shadiness might have started in the first place. While it doesn’t mean they get a pass for their dirt (because they don’t), my friend’s situation was a reminder that men get broken hearts too.

I used to laugh at my male friends when they would say they were having a hard time finding a woman to get serious with because of trust issues. Impossible, I would think, they have so many options when it comes to good woman to choose from.

Now, I understand that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. The beautiful woman with the fancy title, full bank account, enormous diamond engagement ring and great guy on her arm who seems to have it all—just might…and then some.

But like I told my friend, sometimes in life you have to learn to love what’s good for you and not what you think is good for you. But that might be another discussion for another day.

“But I don’t know my daddy,” the little girl sitting next to me whispered to her mother. She gave her a stern look and the young lady immediately turned back around and stopped talking. The pastor went on preaching and spoke of how next Sunday at church would be Father’s Day, so on this day we would honor all of the single mothers in the sanctuary. The pastor ended his sermon by asking all single mothers to walk to the altar with their child or children. I watched in horror as almost half of the audience stood up and crowded around the altar. Many of the mothers–some young, some old, some way too young–stood with their arms wrapped around their children with tears streaming down their faces as the pastor prayed over them and expressed how hard he knew it was to raise their children alone. However, what really caught me by surprise was when he asked all the children in particular to listen to what he was about to say:

“As you grow older,” the pastor told them, “You’ll be faced with many decisions. It’ll start with simple things like should you study for that test or play video games. Then it will grow into bigger decisions like who you surround yourself with, constantly making the decision to be a good person or being kind to people. Life isn’t always going to be fair, but remember this: Just because someone (your father) is absent from your life doesn’t give you the right to make bad decisions as an adult especially when you know right from wrong. “

There comes a time in life when you have to stop blaming your parents for what they did or didn’t do for your own mistakes. Although I grasped what he was saying, I found myself somewhat upset at what he said. At the same time, I was totally agreeing with him.

Still, we’ve all heard the alarming statistics of fathers who are absent from the home:

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
• 90%of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes.
• 
80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes.
• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
• 
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes.
• 
85% of all youth in prison come from fatherless homes.

Despite the statistics, there are many children who grow up in two parent homes, become adults and make awful choices. While it is true that at some point you need to stop blaming your upbringing for your mistakes, the role of an absent father should never be downplayed. In a young girl’s life, in particular, your father is your first love. He’s the person that teaches you how any man in your life should treat you and the one whom you look to for guidance, attention and protection. Your father is the one who helps to teach you what love is so that you won’t go looking for it in all the wrong places.

On the other hand, I have heard firsthand many very grown women (over age 30) make statements like, “I only deal with a certain type of man that’s bad for me, but it’s because I didn’t grow up with a father.” “I understand why she’s a stripper, if she didn’t have a father, it makes sense.” “He cheats on me, treats me bad and I still stay, and I know the issue is because I didn’t grow up with a father.”

There are countless statements like this made by women (and men) all over the world daily. Some live their entire lives and blame nearly every costly mistake they’ve ever made on not having a father, but as my pastor said there does come a time in life where you have to start taking responsibility for the decisions that you make.

Daddy issues are very real, yes, but for how long? I don’t know.

There’s perhaps nothing more comforting than sinking your toes into warm sand on a summer day while you listen to your favorite song, so we’ve chosen our Top Ten Playlist for summer!

Tune in!

Elle Varner “Refill”
We’re really feeling the sounds of newcomer Elle Varner. She’s sultry with a unique voice that captures the soul like her recent hit single. We can’t get enough.

Brandy “Put It Down” feat. Chris Brown
R&B’s sweetheart is back, and it looks like this time she’s here to say! Brandy’s new Chris Brown-assisted single will stay on repeat all summer long.

Beyoncé “Countdown”
Although this track by Queen Bey has been out for awhile now, there’s still something about the beat and the lyrics that put you in a great mood and make you want to be in love.

Justin Bieber “Boyfriend”
Okay. Yes, he is a “teen” heartthrob, but there’s no denying that Bieber has certified hits. And with Jay-Z’s top producer helping him, how can we not love the “Boyfriend” tune?

Luke James “I Want You”
R&B rising star Luke James brought an A-List audience to their feet this year when he crooned out his first single “I Want You.” The up-tempo ballad leaves you in a great mood.

Carly Rae Jepsen “Call Me Maybe”
We don’t want to admit that we love this song, but we do! The  catch lyrics have us singing a long every time it’s played.

Usher “Lemme See” feat. Rick Ross
He may be in the headlines for an awful divorce right now, but if there’s one thing Usher knows how to do, it ‘s make great music. His new song with Rick Ross does not disappoint and is sure to be a  summer banger.

Meek Mill “Amen” feat. Drake and Jeremih
Although the new radio banger “Amen” by Meek Mill is slightly inappropriate we can’t help but dance to it every time it comes on and sing it a long with the fellas.

Chris Brown “Turn Up The Music”
During the past year despite his constant trials and tribulations, Chris Brown has showed the world that his first love is and will always be music. His hit single “Turn Up The Music” attest to just that and we love it.

Mary Mary “Go Get It”
Our favorite gospel duo turned reality stars Mary Mary recently released their new motivational track “Go Get It” and it makes you want to do just that!

1. Being Bobby Brown

Ok, most of us did get a chuckle at Bobby and Whitney’s expense, but looking back on it now there were so many red flags that were ignored. There was the obvious drug use, Bobbi Kristina being more grown than her parents and the woman the world knew as “The Voice” looking scattered and confused while the cameras were rolling. It was a sad reality that we wished never happened.

2. Flavor of Love

It’s hard to believe that’s been six years since we were first introduced to Flavor of Love. For three seasons we watched a variety of women fight, slap and even spit on each other to gain the attention of Flavor Flav. We’re still cringing.

 3. I Love New York

As if bearing Flavor of Love wasn’t enough, former cast member Tiffany Pollard became an overnight sensation and even got a few seasons of her own show. We’re still trying to figure out why?

4. Luke: Parental Advisory

The irony of the leader of the 2 Live Crew giving parenting advice was too much for us to even handle.

5. Real & Chance: Legend Hunters

We bet you forgot about Real and Chance, the rappers, brothers who had women fighting for their adoration. The only word that comes to mind is strange.

6. Fantasia For Real

The short-lived series Fantasia For Real took fans inside her private life, but perhaps let them in too much. The singer was chastised for her alleged affair with the father of her son.

7. Flavor of Love Charm School

Yes, Flavor of Love made the list twice. After taking us through three seasons, we then had to bear even more with former cast members learning how to act like regular human beings. It was torture.

8. Football Wives

The show was pegged to be even bigger than Basketball Wives, but turned into a snore fest instead with women who weren’t relatable and boring story lines.

9. Lil’ Kim Countdown to Lockdown

It was heart-wrenching watching the then queen of rap Lil’ Kim countdown her last days until she spent a year in jail.

Nice Looking

I laughed to myself as a few of my girlfriends stated their qualities of an ideal mate during our monthly ladies night dinner. We could talk all night about the types of men we wanted or the men we already had and hoped they would become. It wasn’t until a friend proclaimed to me a few weeks later that she had met the man of her dreams that I realized we were missing one great quality on that list: financially savvy.

Sure, the man that she was falling for had a good job and made okay money, but he didn’t manage it well. Instead of saving his money and building a portfolio, he spent it on expensive clothes, new sneakers, trips and partying. He was pushing thirty and had never had his own place, a car in his name or anything substantial to show that he was responsible.

Since he made her happy, got paid every two weeks and kept the left side of her bed warm, my friend chose to look the other way. “Besides, it doesn’t matter,” she assured me. “His finances are something we can work on.”

“We?” I asked her with an eyebrow raised.

An automatic red flag went off when I heard the word “we,” and as they continued to get serious, I reminded of the common sense that so many of us can sometimes lose when entering into relationships. One year later, they were engaged, and six months later they were married. Her now husband insisted they move into a big house that was far beyond their means, but since they had two incomes and she had good credit, they were able to put it in her name. He also talked her into putting two his and her luxury cars under her name to go with their new family home.

She was in bliss and had no issue with everything being in her name because she loved him. He was her husband after all. Another year went by before she admitted to me that she had married a man with no real ambition to better himself. Although he was still bringing in an income, he was settled in his job and didn’t seem to care too much about moving up. He made enough to support his habit of nice clothing and fancy trips, so why should it matter he had asked her? He still hadn’t grasped the importance of being financially responsible and hadn’t saved any real money over the few years they had been together.

As her frustration grew, so did the problems in their marriage, which led to a miserable and expensive divorce. She’s now stuck with the mortgage to the house and a luxury car payment (he’s paying for his) she never wanted.

“The lesson here is to pay attention to the red flags!” she told me after her divorce was finalized. “I was so excited to have a well dressed man, with no kids and a job keeping me warm at night that I ignored the obvious.”

In the end, remember to ask the right questions and know what you’re getting yourself into before getting serious with someone. Of course, not everyone will know everything about managing their finances correctly, but if they don’t seem to be trying then you need to run. Run far.

The clock on my nightstand read 4:02 a.m. when I heard a hard knock on my bedroom window that jolted me out of my deep sleep years ago. My first instinct was that someone was trying to kill me, so I hid under my comforter and screamed. Thirty seconds of silence went by before I heard the loud knock again, and I yelled, “Please stop.” No person in his or her right mind who knew me would really be beating on my bedroom window at an obscene morning hour, right? I sat on my bed trembling and ready to call the police, when the person doing the knocking finally said my name in a slurred voice. It was a voice I knew all too well: that of my ex-boyfriend.

“Can we please talk,” he begged with his face pressed against the window. “I really need to talk to you.”

“We have nothing to talk about,” I shouted to the man who had broken my heart more times than I cared to remember. He continued to beg to talk and come inside for another twenty minutes. I almost let him, until he begin yelling even louder and knocking on the window again. Scared out of my mind, I reached for my cell and saw that he had called me earlier that night not one, not two but eighteen times.

“He calls me like that because he loves me,” I said to my best friend many times in high school when we had first started dating. “No,” she told me in a matter-of-fact tone, “He calls you like that because he’s crazy.” I didn’t want to believe her or anyone else when they told me he was crazy in love with me. It wasn’t until I sat alone in my bed during the wee hours of the morning shaking at the possibility of what could happen that I truly understood that this wasn’t love, this was crazy!I was fortunately smart enough to get out of that situation, but many are not.

Maybe it isn’t our own fault that we mistake crazy for love, as it seems to surround us every day. We see it in the shows we watch like Love & Hip Hop when grown women fight over no good men. We see it in the media when young black women go missing who were last seen with their significant other. Sometimes we even see it in the house of God when men who are supposed to be leading by example have women and sometimes even men arguing over them.

We, in many cases, have become a society that craves attention in the wrong way. Whether it’s getting on reality TV and acting out of character, standing by a man/woman who we know isn’t good for us or lying to ourselves about bad situations, we have it to stop mistaking crazy for love. Love does not hurt, love does not make you cry and, most importantly, love certainly should not scare you. -Mia Fields-Hall

Thoughts?