*Inspired by 

I deeply want to eradicate any language that describes sex as an act that is given by a woman to a man: Are you gonna let him hit? Should I give him some? She gave it up last night, dog. Rather, I should say I want to destroy the attitudes about sex that implicate it as anything less than an equal exchange between two consenting parties. If we didn’t look at sex as a woman “giving it up”, then I wouldn’t care less if a woman was inclined to say she “gave him some”. Because the implication would be that he gave her something, too.

I’ve gotten the same questions repeatedly from friends regarding my past casual sex partners (not necessarily the specific men in question, but the entire concept of a casual sex partner as a whole):“Does he really respect you?”, ” Are you f*cking or getting f*cked?”, “Why would you give it up to someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” My answers have remained consistent: “As much as I respect him, as far as I can see.”, “Nobody’s getting f*cked, we’re both having sex. We have an arrangement and it works.”, “I don’t want to be with him either and I want to have me some sex.”

I may mess around and use the word ‘f*cking’ interchangeably with the term ‘having sex’, but I abhor the concept. Ain’t nobody f*cking me. We are doing something together. Both of us. Adults. Interested in pleasing and being pleased. This goes for the otherwise platonic homeboy I might have had a tryst with, the fella that I found was not a match for me outside the bedroom, but a perfect fit in between the sheets and any man who I might be dating with the potential of a more emotionally significant relationship.

And what about the men? Well, as far as both my past casual sex partners and any past or present romantic interests go, I’ve never entertained anyone who showed any discernible lack of respect for me for any longer than it took me to identify said lack of respect. Have I dated or bedded any men who identified as feminists? No. There aren’t that many Black male self-identified feminists running the streets of Brooklyn, if you can believe it. Have I dealt with men who I would label as somewhat feminist or overtly pro-female in ideology and practice? Yes! And the older I get, the more of them I meet (Glory, glory, hallelujah! I might just find me a husband yet!).  So I haven’t been made to feel like anyone thought they were f*cking me or if I was just giving somebody some. It can’t be about giving and getting for me; we sharing something.

Because I have a naturally competitive nature in the bedroom and have always gotten a thrill from putting it down on someone (almost as much a thrill as I get from having a brother put it on me), I used to joke to myself and my girls: “He ain’t f*cking me, I’m f*cking HIM!” But I don’t even put that energy out there at all anymore. If we’re gonna do it it, lets be grownups. Let’s have some fun and respect each other as equals and be discreet and safe and level-headed about it. That’s the only way I can do it. Sex positive. Empowered to pleasure seek and pleasure give in the spirit of respect.

Originally Published @ The Beautiful Struggler

Picture this: Brooklyn, 2007. I remember it like it was yesterday. One of my homegirls sends out a mass email announcing that she had seen the “best sh*t ever,” and that we had to watch it immediately. On that day, we were all introduced to “Vagina Power” and Alexyss K. Tylor, and we haven’t been the same since.

For those who haven’t had the pleasure to indulge as we did, Ms. Tylor is an Atlanta-based talk show hostess who received internet notoriety when her recently–pulled-from-television cable access program was posted to YouTube. Her subject matter is 100% about sex and dating, and she pulls no punches. At first glance, she looks like a mature Whitley Gilbert (with a weave that is always laid), but when she opens her mouth, she sounds more like Lil’ Kim or Khia, even.

Check out some of her most notorious work!

“Vagina Power”

Truth be told, you shouldn’t be sleeping with a man who wouldn’t “buy you some shrimp from Long John Silvers!” And it is pretty crazy to hold your bowels in for days rather than to let a man possibly discover that you use the bathroom while you’re in the bathroom. Now, while I take issue with the suggestion that our sexual organs are sources of power that overtake our capacity to think or act reasonably, I have to pay homage to the YouTube queen of five years for her “OMG,” ”WTF” and ”No, she DIDN’T say that” moments.

PS: Um, you do want a man to hit “your bottom.” That’s kinda the point.

I don’t like Brand Kardashian. Let me just be quite frank about that. I won’t say I don’t like Kim, Khloe or Other One because I don’t know them personally. But the empire they’ve build from fake everything, “sexy” faces and vapidness (real, pretend or somewhere in the middle irks me to no end). I can’t blame the hustlers this time around, I’m side eyeing the customers…why do people eat this stuff up?>

Kim K, who is famous for being beautiful, having a large behind and for having sex with a B-list celebrity’s C-list brother, put the icing on my Kardashian hate cake this weekend with her extravagant multi-million dollar wedding to Kris Humphries this past weekend. The nuptials capped off almost two years of tabloid speculation about when and to whom this woman who is only now thirty (ancient!) would be married. She has blown Paris Hilton’s ‘famous for being famous’ steez out of the water and had made her personality a brand. But her personality is wack as hell! At least on television, that is.

What is it about this family that has people so captivated? Why is it that people would want to see a bunch of silly sounding women whining like small children and doing mundane things such as shopping or going to the nail shop? In the words of the late great Bernie Mac (who was famous for doing things such as having a talent and performing): “Motherf*cker, for what?”

Its possible that the silliness of the Kardashian Klan provides some sort of escapism of daily life, which is packed with ups and downs and frustrations and the like. But unlike the drama packed foolywang that is Basketball Wives or the Real Housewives franchises, the Kardash girls aren’t really doing anything. And it does seem like Kim was out here gunning to snag a baller, sorry. Could she have at least learned to tap dance or blow glass or do something interesting in the meantime so we could pretend she was famous for a reason?

E! paid fifteen million dollars for the rights to the Kardashian/Humphries wedding, which will be featured in a three-hour television special. Nothing about it sounds like love or romance. Just finance and spectacle. And the American viewing public is oh-so with it. WHY?

Last night’s mischief and mayhem come quickly back to the forefront of your memory. There was a party, some drinks, some dancing…a lot of dancing, some flirting…a lot of flirting…and here you are. In a stranger’s bed.

And now comes the proverbial “walk of shame”…but it doesn’t have to be that way. While it may be awkward to face the morning light wearing last night’s club dress (especially if it’s Sunday and others are heading to church), beating yourself up about what happened isn’t going to make things better.

The first thing you want to do is run back through the night’s events and make sure as best you can that you chose to have this little rendezvous. If you struggle to remember how you got there and what happen after you arrived, you may have either been drugged or drank far too much. If things are not adding up, don’t hesitate to call a crisis center to help you sort through your concerns once you are safely out of the house.

You also need to confirm that you used protection. Don’t take his word for it; check for evidence. If you aren’t sure that you did, then you should immediately schedule a visit to a local hospital or clinic for a battery of exams (some areas offer vaccines for certain STIs). You should also consider the ‘morning after pill’, which is readily available at most drugstores now. That will run you about $50-60, so don’t hesitate to ask the gentleman of the night to share the cost with you.

Don’t wake up acting like you have a new boyfriend, even if you really are hoping to see this guy again. You have no idea where his head is at now or where it was when he brought you home. Chances are, it was focused more on lust than anything else. That doesn’t mean he’s gonna hate you or think you’re a slut, but you should proceed with caution.

Hopefully, the guy you hooked up with is a respectable enough cat to offer you coffee, a pair of sweats to wear home if you aren’t driving and help with transportation arrangements. Unfortunately, if you didn’t know him well prior to the hookup, then you have no way of knowing how he’s going to behave…which is one of the many reasons that going home with a relative stranger can be dangerous. If he’s less than amicable, get your stuff and get out of his house ASAPtually. And don’t return.

A one night stand can be a nightmare (you catch something or leave something at his house and can’t retrieve it or he’s just God awful in bed), a fairytale (it’s rare, but rapid hookups have led to relationships for some…just don’t ever go into one hoping for that outcome) or, for most, simply a night of sex followed by a less than glamorous trek home.

Speaking of, there is little you can do if you have to walk through your building’s lobby in a sequined halter at 10 AM; people may accurately guess where you’ve been. So what? Leave ole boy’s house looking as kempt and clean as possible and hold your head high. Much of the “shame” in the walk comes from carrying yourself like some sort of guilty convict! Grab a pair of shades and some ibuprofen and keep it moving. You didn’t kill anyone. You had sex. And hopefully, you liked it.

If you had a good time, then more power to you! However, not everyone feels the same way after completing a one-night-extravaganza. You can’t hate yourself for your choice, but you are also not doomed to repeat it if the scenario didn’t suit your fancy. Make sure that you keep your wits about you when going out drinking or partying. Also, if you feel that the temptation for you to go home with someone is great, yet you feel terrible about yourself the next day…don’t do it. Sex isn’t some cool kids club that requires you to be open for everything and at anytime. Some people are casual lovers, others need some security and commitment before going to bed. Remain loyal to whatever keeps you safe and happy.