As the lyrics floated in and out my ears, I couldn’t help it — these honest and vulnerable lyrics tugged at me.  The fresh West Coast rapper, Kendrick Lamar’s, debut album, Section 80, was on repeat and “No Makeup” was one of the many songs with lyrics that triggered and intrigued my interest. The song discusses a truth that we all battle with: the mentality that we all have beauty vices and sometimes only feel beautiful under one condition.

That one thing; that one accessory; that one hairstyle; that one lipstick; that one environment; that one pair of earrings. Even as small as it may seem, we all have at least one item and/or thing that we rely on to feel truly beautiful. Some of us have been depending on that “thing” for so long in our lives that we do not even see it as a crutch anymore. Now, I know when we get all dolled up we tend to feel more confident and have a little more sass, but it also affects our everyday life. In the media, beauty and fashion industry ads make you feel as if you need a certain product or look to feel accepted as being truly beautiful.

I remember an older lady, about 65 years of age, admitted to me that she’s been married over 25 years and her husband has not seen her and will never see her without wig or weave. I was sure she could tell how shocked and surprised I was by the expression on my face, but she still simply told me, “I don’t feel beautiful without it.” After this statement, it kind of shook me a tad. The thought finding the man of my dreams, and then marrying him, and still not feeling comfortable in my own skin is scary.  Even in regular relationships, we tend to be so caught up in trying to impress or keep the attention of the man, so we slowly begin to find more and more items to rely on in order to capture his attention.

Finding and feeling truly beautiful with every aspect of yourself is a life long journey. As we get older, more and more layers begin to un-peel until we find the core of ourselves. One way we continue to allow our self beauty to grow is by taking time to truly look in the mirror, and not just literally.  Towards the end of the Kendrick Lamar’s song, the young lady’s dependency on make up was caused by an abusive relationship — a deep, powerful, and unfortunate truth for too many women. I’m not saying that each woman has as an extreme situation as that one. Similarly, low self-esteem can stem from something as seemingly small as being teased on the playground as an adolescent to always feeling like an outsider because of one’s look. So instead of facing the problem, and accepting every part of you, you decide to cover it up or ‘fix it.’ Having a variety of makeup, hairstyle choices, and clothes is perfectly fine as long as it’s by choice and is something that you do not ‘have’ to rock to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Do you have any beauty vices that you rely on? Sound Off!

- Ellisa Oyewo

In the U.S. we all have adapted to a lifestyle where stress is everywhere we turn. The scary part of our mentality is the simple fact that it becomes the norm. Even to the point where if we do not feel a little stressed at every point of the day we tend to feel guilty that we are not being productive. Well — here are a couple of reasons of why your face and body will thank you for living a stress-free life.

All in the Face

We all live by the key words that define our beauty like — ”black don’t crack.” Yes – that is a very true statement but even though black doesn’t crack — stress does. Thank God we all been blessed with all different types of shades but that does not mean we are invincible from looking older than we truly are. If you are constantly frowning and stressing all the time the muscles in your face will conform in that way. A way to make sure those your muscles are actively moving keep in mind of your stress levels and take a couple of deep breaths to relax your muscles. Also – when you’re stressed you tend not to get enough sleep which encourages bags under the eyes and dark circles. Time to hit the sheets and get some sleep.

Beauty is Only Skin Deep

Keeping your skin flawless is important but not as important as keeping your insides in tip-top shape. Living a stressed life can affect your immune system, blood vessels, digestion system and your weight. Even though being constantly on the move makes you feel like you are conquering the world — you still need to listen to your body. Ignoring the fact that your body is exhausted or is in pain is not a smart move. If you ignore these signs early on you won’t just have to sit out just for a time out but out the entire season. So stop with the stubbornness and listen to your body when it needs to rest. Yoga, anyone?

It‘s A “Mental” Thing

“You are what you think” — yes another quote with some truth behind it. We all underestimate the power of our minds and thoughts. Your thoughts dictates your words and eventually your actions. If you are always telling yourself that you are or about to be stressed then your body has no other choice but to simply follow suit. If you have cluttered thoughts it will come out in your life. Take the time and simply organize your thoughts and what you need to do. Focus on one task at a time so it does not feel like you’re tackling the universe.

What are some of the ways that you de-stress on a daily basis?

- Ellisa Oyewo

An associate of mine stated as she felt the need to let her inner thoughts spill out through her mouth. Wishing she had kept her commentary to herself, she went on and acted as if she was a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model by critiquing each confident woman who entered the door. Being irritated, we ordered another round of drinks hoping she would keep her “expert” criticism of the world to herself. There were numerous women in the vicinity who were fly in their own right and “the judge” attempted to find at least one flaw in them to knock them off their pedestal.

My associate was attractive as well, but for some reason she seemed she would only be truly confident if she were the only female in the room.

Now, I know we’ve all heard the tale of Sleeping Beauty, but I’m sure we all have encountered an Angry Beauty a time or two in our lives. An Angry Beauty is someone who is an attractive woman but seems to be mad at the world because there are other equally attractive women on this earth.

Beauty is not like a math problem, more than one beautiful woman in an area does not cancel out the other. We have all, at some point, suffered from side-eye syndrome that causes us to want to lash out at our fellow sisters because we may either feel intimidated by her presence or achievements. It is sometimes difficult to accept that just because another young lady is working it out, it does not take a thing away from your beauty, unless you allow it.

We already live in a world where society continuously tries to separate us, be it by complexion or hair texture, but we do not need to continue to feed in these traps. At the end of the day, all it is doing is proving to society that we cannot be united and support one another. There is absolutely no need to tear down another woman because, in reality, all this is doing is showcasing your inner insecurities. If you are secure and confident woman, you can simply give a compliment or if you’re not feeling it, just don’t say anything at all.

We have to begin to realize where the deeper issue lies within ourselves. Were you teased as a child? Do you not feel appreciated in your relationship? Do you not like what you see in the mirror? Are you simply avoiding or trying to mask a flaw you see in yourself?

Whatever the real reason you are lashing out at others may be you should take time and face the core of your anger or jealousy. We all have been there and sometimes it is the most difficult task to truly look at yourself in the mirror and see the honest reflection of your habits.

-Ellisa Oyewo

It’s funny because since I’ve been natural,  both the approach and the type of man who is attracted to me is different. Instead of “Hey Cutie,” I get greeted by “Hey My Nubian Queen.” Unfortunately, both types usually end up saying something that ruins the conversation which often times leads me not to talk to either one of them. Even though I have been a proud natural for over 3 years, I’m still a bit conservative (okay, I lied—maybe very conservative) when it comes to styling my hair. I always tend to pin it up and rock the same 2-3 styles in rotation. One reason is that I simply don’t have time or the energy anymore to experiment with new hairstyles. The funny thing is that even though I’m still just as conservative as my sister,  I attract a different type of male simply because of my natural hair. In fact, usually the beginning part of the conversation begins with,  “Oh I love your natural hair sistah,” or the annoying one, “Is that all of your natural hair that is pinned up? Man I dig it.”

Of course people still feed off of the stereotypes that just because you’re natural, you’re a vegetarian and listen to Common. In my sister’s case, men usually guess she is conceited and vibes out to old school R&B because she rocks a permed bob. In reality she rocks out to more neo-soul than I could ever listen to.

My question is,  what about the theory that opposites attract? Numerous people love to use the reasoning of opposites attract as the go-to logic of finding a good match. In a lot of cases, however, I see that people are more comfortable approaching someone who reminds them of themselves. So what does this mean? Does it mean that much power lies in the strands and your appearance? Even though you should not judge someone by their outside appearance, it is the one trait that people see first before approaching you. If someone feels as if you’re a certain way, they will or will not act on it.

What do you think, does your hairstyle limit the type of person you attract?

-Ellisa Oyewo

All fashion and style addicts love standing out from the crowd.  But the issue is when all the new trends and styles come out, they are the first ones to grab them all. Not one or two or maybe even 3 trendy styles — but every style that comes out a magazine. So what is a girl to do when countless other girls are using the same fashion directory to dictate their style choices?  This defeats your attempt to stand out, relegating you to “Basic” girl status when you’re trying to transcend the monotony.

Pause, time to switch it up. Sometimes people are too caught up in being the “Basic” girl or “trendsetter” and completely forget about being themselves, authentically. When you get bombarded by trends and new styles, you should still have a filter of what works for you and what doesn’t. Too many girls are concerned with not looking like the normal, boring, or “Basic” girl, trying their hardest to do the complete opposite. This often flops because there is no variety and nothing that is authentically your style or taste.

It’s time to embrace you! There is only one you, which will never be a duplicated, so this is your biggest advantage. Enjoy your taste and discover what you love and what works just for you. The less you think about defying everybody and just go for what you like, there is absolutely no way you will be just “Basic” or “average.”

Vixens: How do you naturally stand out from the crowd?