Not Your Mother’s Blog: Does That One Count?

Posted by on May 13, 2013

Man and Woman SexBefore I took my celibacy vow, I had some sexual experiences that in my mind just don’t count. We all have a body number and the older we get, well, the higher it may be. If you went to a party school and got your rockstar lifestyle on like most, you’re already tapping on a high body count, so this blog should bring you some peace when I say that some of those encounters just shouldn’t count!

For instance, I had a guy friend whom I was really cool with. (For the sake of his privacy, we will call him David.) David was my boy! He confided in me about some of his past sexual encounters, and I saw how some of his female jumps were sprung off of him, so of course those seeds of curiosity start to grow in my mind. I was like, what is it about David that drives these girls crazy?

At that time I hadn’t had many partners (Catholic upbringing), and as his friend, I just didn’t see it. I mean, he had some nice full lips (mind wondering), his body was well built and solid (mind wondering), he has a strong muscular back (mind for damn sure wondering) and he could dance very well (yes, my mind wondered), but I never thought to blur those lines because he was my friend…Until I came to realize his mind wondered about me as well.

It’s now 2 a.m. and David crawls in bed smelling like beer and peppermints. I don’t know why, but for some reason, the smell tickled my fancy, if you know what I mean. So David starts rubbing my butt (y’all know I love that). Then he starts to profess his longtime affections for me and how he thinks we should take it to the next level. I was already curious thinking “there’s something about David,” so when he was rubbing me and kissing me, I didn’t push him away. I knew everything about his sexual exploits, and I was still kind of green in that area, but lo and behold, we start to do what grown folks do.

David got in three good pumps and…What the hell?! His penis is so small! I can’t even feel it! I’m not jacking up my body count for bad penis! Not gonna happen!!

He, bless his heart, is still pumping away, and by the fifth pump, I push him gently away and say, “D, we can’t do this (with sheer disappointment and disgust in my mind). We are too good of friends!” He replies back, “But we are already doing it.” I’m like, no, you’re already doing it! I felt nothing. Instead, I told him, “You know having you as a friend means more to me than blurring these lines ’cause we both have a little alcohol in us. Let’s just go to sleep.”

The next day, we talked and laughed about everything. Some time after, he tried to pursue a relationship that I just wasn’t at all interested in, especially since I knew David wasn’t serving grade A beef. Unlike what Burger King promises, I did not get to have it my way, therefore those five pumps with David did not count. I’m sorry, but if both customers did not 1) Feel and receive pleasure, and 2) Arrive to the occasion, then it doesn’t count.

If a woman is a lame lay, it doesn’t count. If a guy only gives you 10 good pumps and he arrives before you get yours, it doesn’t count! I now lost a good friend and two minutes of my life that I can never get back! (I definitely could’ve had a V8.)

With that said, how many of you have bad sexual experiences that just shouldn’t count? Oh yeah, start subtracting from your body count, kids. You’re welcome. — Alesha Rene√© (@AleshaRenee)

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