I lie because lying is easier than living in a reality where love may not exist for me. Lying allows me, if only for a moment, to be in control of something that is so uncontrollable—love. Lying allows me to hide my fears and the fact that I am scared. It allows me to pretend that those dreams I had about my life as a little kid never existed. I just sweep that part of my life under the rug and pretend I never wrote out the names of my future kids in my diary when I was thirteen-years-old.
Lying allows me to forget about those nights I spent at home alone crying thinking about those past loves and what went wrong. Lying allows me to hide my insecurities and the fact that superwoman has a chink in her armor.
Dammit I’m human and I have feelings. So, instead of dealing with those feelings head-on like I’m supposed to, I just lie and pray to God they’ll go away. Because if I can convince you to believe the lie maybe one day I can convince myself. You know, convince myself into believing that I’m okay.
So until that day, I’ll continue to lie … because hell I’m tired!
- Melanie Calhoun