The Status. It’s a day when he’s clearly feeling himself, and his FB status proclaims it with ringing bells. His self-boast cries for attention: his 6 pack is upgrading to an 8; his promo at work is signed, sealed, and delivered; or he identifies with a particular Jay-Z quote that beats its chest with bravado. On cue, a stream of applause follows his update with congratulatory praise and a slew of “Like” clicks. Traditionally, some girl goes IN and leaves a comment that is the real world equivalent of a set of shimmying pom-poms and a high kick. He responds coyly and she serves again, this time with greater force. The volley continues, and, sure enough, a “wink” emoticon or inside joke is sure to surface any moment now . . . Wait for it . . . There it is.
Common Response: Disgust, lathered in suds of annoyance that will surely manifest indirectly in your future correspondence with him, a.k.a. “You will act the F*@! Up!”
The Poke List. It was accidental (or a keenly executed maneuver), but you snagged a glimpse of his poke list. A long list of blue highlighted names exposes a network of flirtatious admirers who wouldn’t mind a poke or prod from yours truly. While there is no obvious rationale behind your feelings of betrayal—they still stir.
Common Response: Irrationalized drama milli-steps away from BEEF.
Relationship Status. It’s no secret—in the real world you guys are an item. However, in the online sphere you’re unattached because he doesn’t want to write who he’s in a relationship with, or he chooses to exclude the relationship tab all together. It’s not that you necessarily need the online community to know that you two are chain-linked together; however, his opposition is undeniably sketchy.
Common Response: Drama.
Why Does Facebook Summon So Many Jealous Feelings?
Facebook is helium to the relationships on it; they’re susceptible to being gassed up and burst. By design, it’s voyeuristically invasive and encourages its participants to believe that their minor activities are monumental. Where else does declaring a night out with the girls solicit public commentary and is worthy of publication in a News Feed accessible to a 3rd of the world’s population? A matter of fact: Facebook does such an awesome job at mustering up sensationalism that people begin to view themselves and other people by their profile; our real life selves seem to fall short when measured up against the height of approval received by our online selves.
It is no wonder that all of the “love” that his profile lassos strikes so many nerves in you: it is marketed as big packages, and, naturally, you regard these packages as big deliveries. However, know better. Just because Facebook wants to act like the anti-Cupid, doesn’t mean you two have to be casualties of love. Successfully step above the neurotic jealousy trip that Facebook specializes in provoking.
Unless, that is, you’re just a jealous person. In which case, you should disregard this entire article.
- Guerdly Cajus